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‘Can I enjoy this season without my loved one?’ Dealing with grief during the holidays

The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.
Photo courtesy of Children’s Bereavement Center
The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.

What for many is the happiest time of the year can often be filled with a spectrum of emotions for those who have lost a loved one.

Feelings like sadness, grief, guilt and isolation are common during the holiday season. At times, people might even feel the pressure of “getting over the grief.”

“It’s almost like it’s hard to miss [the person who died] when there is a time of the year where it’s supposed to be surrounded by joy, love and happiness,” said Julissa Reynoso, the director of programming for the Children’s Bereavement Center and a licensed mental health counselor.

Reynoso says at times people might feel like they will enter spaces where their grief and sorrow may not be understood nor accepted. “The holidays are a reminder of that person, it’s a reminder of all the memories we’ve created,” Reynoso added.

READ MORE: Where Culture Meets Grief: This Center Uses History, Traditions To Help Deal With Loss

She explained that the feeling of guilt is complex and everyone can experience it differently. But it’s important to acknowledge when the guilt is present. “ A lot of that feeling of guilt comes from a place of not having a lot of control over certain situations and wanting to have that control,” Reynoso said.

But there are things individuals can control, such as what they want this holiday season to be like for them.

Identifying whether they need moments alone or to designate a room to take a social and mental break during social gatherings, or if perhaps they want to seek support or don’t want to be involved in many activities.

Children and grief

According to the Children’s Bereavement Center, it is estimated that one in 11 children in Florida will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18.

Children tend to have a harder time expressing their emotions verbally. So families need to pay attention to changes in their behavior. They might start acting out, wetting the bed or even blaming themselves.

The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.
Photo courtesy of Children’s Bereavement Center
The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.

That is why Reynoso says it’s important to clear misconceptions kids might have about death and grief — including ideas that people they’ve lost might come back to life.

“ I like to give [the] example of the Road Runner cartoon where the bird in the cartoon is always dying and coming back to life,” Reynoso said.

She says families can use creative means like art, music and cartoons to give children a better understanding of what is happening. One show that Reynoso says does a great job of speaking about grief is Sesame Street.

Some signs that a child might need additional professional support during the holiday season include engaging in destructive behaviors, being unresponsive or even expressing wanting to die to be with their loved one.

“It's okay to be where you're at, to feel what you're feeling. There are going to be good moments and there are going to be challenging moments moving forward."
Julissa Reynoso

“ There's a lot of confusion that can happen for kids when they are grieving and there's also a lot of anger, a lot of different emotions that they don't have an understanding of where it's coming from,” Reynoso said. “So really seeking out professional help to help a child explore that, sit with that and be able to respond in different ways as a result of their grief.”

Sometimes teens or children may not want to be vocal about their emotions, so Reynoso says making yourself available and being authentic can be the best way to support them. It is also important to not make assumptions about what they are experiencing.

Tell them, “When you need it, I’m here, even if you just want me to sit,” she suggests.

Communicating with clarity

To describe the death of a loved one, adults usually use words and expressions like “lost,” “fell asleep,” or “passed away.” However, Reynoso says that could confuse children.

A child might think that if the person is lost, why can’t they go find them?

“If you're saying, ‘Grandma fell asleep last night and didn't wake up,’ now you have a child who's really confused and very terrified of going to sleep,” Reynoso added.

Though using clear language might make adults uncomfortable, it makes it easier for children to process what happened.

“The young kids may have a lot of questions about what happened … they might ask about what happened to the body. They might ask the same questions multiple times,” Reynoso said. “And so really look within yourself and acknowledge your own challenges with grief to be able to support this child.”

READ MORE: Prepare, be flexible: How to create a joyful holiday experience for children with autism

But she says that grief is destabilizing and can be chaotic, so it’s important to create a sense of stability for the child.

That can be done by continuing family traditions and activities typically associated with the holidays, or creating new ones while checking in with the child to see if it would help them.

For example, to honor the person who died, families might consider creating a memory box with things that remind them of their loved one. Families could also cook or bake together, create a music playlist inspired by the loved one or write letters to them.

“Continuing those traditions, being open to talk about the person, even just saying their name, can be healing for a lot of people,” Reynoso said.

For more information on how to help families navigate grief, access the National Alliance for Children's Grief Holiday Toolkit and the resources page from the Children’s Bereavement Center, which has services for people of all ages.

“It's okay to be where you're at, to feel what you're feeling. There are going to be good moments and there are going to be challenging moments moving forward,” Reynoso said. “But it's okay to be and feel how you're feeling. There's a lot of support out there so you don't feel alone.”

The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.
Photo courtesy of Children’s Bereavement Center
The Children’s Bereavement Center runs free support groups in South Florida after the death of a loved one.

Ammy Sanchez is the Morning Edition producer for WLRN. She graduated with her bachelor's degree in communications from the Honors College at Florida International University.
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