This story was originally reported by Candice Norwood of The 19th. Meet Candice and read more of their reporting on gender, politics and policy.
The historic expansion of immigration arrests and detention in the United States means that many families around the country are confronting the possibility that they could be targeted. Preparing for this reality may require uncomfortable conversations between immigrant parents and children about the risks they face and how to navigate them.
Researchers told The 19th that parents of all backgrounds feel ill-equipped to have tough discussions about law enforcement with their children. Some communities of color, African Americans in particular, have had more experience with preparing their kids for racism and the possibility of police brutality in the United States through generational conversations known as “The Talk.” Many immigrant parents, however, even those from majority-Black countries, may have a different understanding of racial dynamics in America. As a result, they may not recognize a need to talk about ICE or other law enforcement until a threat is more imminent.
Here are some tips from child development experts to help parents — particularly those most at risk of being targeted by ICE — with questions about how to navigate talking with their children.
Do I need to speak with my kids about ICE?Child development experts say yes.
Psychologists recommend that parents should do their best to validate their children’s fears or concerns while also affirming their safety and sharing basic details about the family’s plan of action should anything come up. (Sylvia Jarrus for The 19th)The country has seen a historic expansion of immigration funding and operations during the first 13 months of President Donald Trump’s second term. A decade ago, ICE’s annual budget hovered around $6 billion. It has since spiked to about $85 billion, $75 billion of which can be spent over the next four years, after the approval of additional funding last year. The money is being used to hire and deploy more immigration officers in local communities and increase capacity for far-reaching detentions and deportations. National news coverage and online videos documenting this ongoing political climate mean that children have more access than ever to media that could confuse or frighten them.
Gabriela Livas, a professor and chair of the Human Development and Family Sciences department at the University of Texas at Austin, told The 19th that even though parents may think their children are too young to understand these messages, “they're still receiving them” in some form — whether through media or by witnessing events in their communities. “And so we need to make sure that as parents we're providing those resources to help them make sense of some things that can be really scary and confusing to them,” she said.
When children don’t receive information to help them make sense of the world, they will fill in the blanks with their own stories, which can turn into self-blame, said R. Gabriela Barajas-Gonzalez, an associate professor in the Department of Population Health at New York University.
What is the best way to initiate these conversations with my child? Livas said that a great way to start is by asking children open-ended questions to gauge what they know. Some suggestions:
- What have you heard about immigration or ICE at school or online?
- How did hearing this make you feel?
- If something scary happened in our community, who do you think you could talk to?
- What questions do you have for me about what’s going on?
Books, news articles, television shows or podcasts, depending on the child’s age, can be a great way to anchor the conversation with something specific, Livas said. For younger children in particular, books allow them to talk about the feelings or experiences of specific characters in a way that can resonate more.
Linda Cote-Reilly, a professor of psychology at Marymount University, advised asking children about trusted adults in their lives and using that as a jumping-off point to create a list of five or more people whom children can consult for questions or concerns, or people who can serve as allies to the children during a crisis.
“I would definitely try to identify some people in the neighborhood, some people at school, wherever the child might find themselves,” Cote-Reilly said. “I think that would be true for children of all ages who can participate in that.”
How can I keep the conversation honest but age appropriate?
Parents should emphasize to their child that they are loved and affirm that the child will be taken care of by a particular person they trust. (Sylvia Jarrus for The 19th)
Children ages 3 to 6: It is crucial for all children, but particularly those in this age group, to have a sense of safety and security in the world, experts said.
That means parents should do their best to validate their children’s fears or concerns while also affirming their safety and sharing basic details about the family’s plan of action should anything come up. They advise parents to be honest if there’s a risk that someone their child knows and loves could be detained or deported. But these talks should use simple, direct language like, “Mom or dad may need to leave for a while because of new rules in this country.”
Parents should also emphasize to their child that they are loved, affirm that the child will be taken care of by a particular person they trust and reassure them that the parent will find their way back to the child.
If the children are likely to see things out in the community, such as masked ICE agents, honesty and validation remain key. Parents can explain that these are members of the government who are causing some people to be scared, though it’s important to balance the negative with positive, experts said. One way parents can do that is by discussing how people in the community are trying to support and love their neighbors who are afraid.
Children ages 7 to 12: At this stage, children begin to be more exposed to outside voices, including other children in school and things they may see online. Experts say that children in this age group do not want to burden or worry their parents, so they may not share with their parents if they read or witness something frightening.
In addition to establishing a family plan and identifying a list of trusted adults, parents should also equip children in this age group with more specific behaviors and ways of talking about or navigating school and other situations that could lead to an ICE encounter. Roleplaying with the child can be helpful, Livas said.
Cote-Reilly recommends looking at the messages that their children’s school is sending out about ICE. They could also consider approaching a teacher, if they feel safe to do so, and ask how the teacher has addressed the subject. Parents can then try to align the messages their children receive at home with those taught in school, if practical. It’s a good way to avoid confusing the child.
Children 13 to 18 years old: This age group is likely much more online, and is also becoming more independent and spending more time away from parents’ direct supervision. Parents can guide their tween- and teen-aged children on taking breaks from media that might be upsetting to them.
This is also a time to give children in this age group more guidance on how they can engage with an ICE officer if they are driving on their own, or otherwise away from an adult. The experts advise instructing the child to be calm and respectful, to know some of their basic rights and to have information like phone numbers memorized. Livas also noted that parents can take this as an opportunity to learn alongside their children and discuss more specifics about the laws and political systems influencing what’s happening with ICE.
How can I avoid passing my fear or anxiety on to my child?
Experts advise parents to continue having conversations with their kids even if they are quiet or appear disinterested. (Sylvia Jarrus for The 19th)
Prior to speaking with their children, Livas encourages parents to sit down and think through how they want their children to feel after their talk. In many cases, parents want their children to feel resilient, so they can use that as a guide for how they speak about ICE and immigration fears during the conversation.
“Sharing our own distress in an authentic way is okay, but you don't want to overwhelm them. Kids want to take care of their parents as much as parents want to take care of their kids,” Livas said. She cautions parents to be careful with how they speak about things within earshot of their children, and she recommends that they have another adult they can confide in about their day-to-day stressors and anxieties.
To help keep a sense of safety and stability, parents should try to maintain some type of routine in the home as much as they can, Barajas-Gonzalez with New York University said. Creating moments of joy by playing music or reading a fun book together can be crucial as well.
What signs of stress or anxiety should I be on the lookout for?Changes in appetite, mood swings, trouble sleeping or an increase in headaches or stomach aches can all be signs of anxiety or distress, according to experts.
Sometimes parents may overlook or minimize behavior changes or irritability in their child, Livas said, but it’s important to pick up on these signs, offer support and keep the door open to communication. She added that parents should continue to have conversations with their kids even if they are quiet or appear disinterested.
“Kids aren't always the best at reinforcing parents that are having these conversations,” Livas said. “So you just have to keep having them, knowing that they are making an impact.”
Are there any additional resources?A guide to talking about deportation or separation from the Florida State University College of Medicine, available in English, Spanish and Creole.
The Hope Center for Wellness guide to talking about possible deportation, available in English and Spanish.
Arizona State University Child Equity Project’s report on supporting the mental health and well being of immigrant children and families in early care and education settings.
